You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
