I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the day after is always just damage control
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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