the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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