Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
