After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
