I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
