I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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