he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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