shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
