I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
