This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
