I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He passed out mid-signature
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
