that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
