dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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