I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
