I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
