oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize