just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize