I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
