highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize