do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize