did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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