I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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