I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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