i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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