So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
