I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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