i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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