My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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