I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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