alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
