I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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