I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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