Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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