hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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