I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
