I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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