conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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