If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
