He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
