I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
