Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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