then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
