Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
