Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
