I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
