he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
