Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
