The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
