I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
