I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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