If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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