I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
