did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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