I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
