I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
