I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize