either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
