So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
